depression · Jesus Christ · life · living · love · real-life · suicide · Uncategorized

She Saw Herself

I had this dream that turned into a nightmare; may I share it with you? It is about she who is great and also greatly troubled. Follow this tale so you can learn how she tragically fell. She was oppressed and depressed coming out of her mother. She was shaped and made after something unlike her yet bound and found to be just a lot of darkest with a pinch of light. That light was enough to redirect her sight. Pushing back every demon and fighting her way out, this child grew to love herself without any doubt. She believed in herself.  She saw a changed woman. She raced towards the person she knew she could be, she raced towards the Man who set her free. She realized her value, she realized God chose her. She manifested beauty outward to others just like God showed her. She developed her confidence, she developed her passion. She ended her relationship with criticism and bashing. She saw herself on a stage. Boldly and fearlessly she journeyed on her path to her destiny. Thoughts of unworthiness created cracks in the cement which had her cautiously walking, but she didn’t stop from prophetically talking. For her words were greater than her thoughts. She knew she had greatness and she knew where it came from. She called herself a speaker, a writer, a visionary. She called herself creatively gifted; extraordinary. She was on way when a trickster wanted to make sure she would stay. He liked who she was when she was all gloomy and sad; liked when she didn’t know what she had.

The path she walked on began to zigzag from left to right. It became hard for her to focus on the promising light. The road took violent turns too sharp for her to remember the path home. It brought her up mountains and tumbled her down valleys. It took her through death filled forests and twisted dark alleys. Eventually she was stuck in the mud with feet too heavy to lift. All she thought of was escaping and cared little about her gifts. Her face hit the floor, her greatness was no more. Her vision was dim. Her mind was so grim. Her destiny didn’t matter. Her plans were all diminished. She knew she was finished.

Her mouth was shut. Her eyes were closed. Her body began to feel numb and her breath began to feel faint. She couldn’t remember her name. She couldn’t remember her fate. Out she went just as she came in. A person in pain taken over by sin. Jesus escaped his grave and so she tried to escape hers. She began to tap her fingers on the ground that was taking her, trying to make some sound to see if someone would rescue her. She didn’t have answers and she needed help, but no one answered they just kept to themselves. She once saw herself being phenomenal and now she sees herself dead. She sees herself peacefully lying in bed. She knew whatever they end up saying that she was compares to nothing she could have been.

Instead she feels she accomplished failure. She struggled. She wept. She hated herself. There she was stuck with no strength to come up. She controlled nothing and no one. She was alone in her pain, all alone in deep pain.  She recalled herself trying to do what was right, but it never came naturally. It was hard for her. Simple for many to turn from their flesh, yet all she would do is make matters worst. Outburst of curses towards the day she was cursed. She remained there paralyzed. Shocked by the thought that it all meant nothing; she was flooded with self-hate. Why did she ever think she could get up and run when she clearly knew what she came from? Destined to thrive? More like, destined to fail! It always came back to the same thing; what was she here for?

“What do YOU do!?” “What do YOU do!?” She replayed. She did nothing. It was true. Agonized by the pain she could only let out streams of tears. She believed it all, she believed these lies. Away from this world, away from it all. She knew this would be the last time she’d fall. She lied there anchored down by the weight of the words that were spoken at her as the wind took hold of the Words spoken over her. She couldn’t recall the good only the bad. She couldn’t remember the breakthroughs she once had. Her last heartbeats beat for no one to hear. There was no more sadness, no more fear. She always believed she was born destructive and different, misunderstood and misplaced. Now she remained only in broken pieces; shattered and scattered. Did she miss out on her destiny or was this it? 

I had this dream that turned into a nightmare; may I share it with you?  May I tell you that none of this was true? Though yes, she is me. She arose from the deepest parts of me. I’m sorry you met her; I didn’t think I’d introduce her. I was positive I got rid of her, but suddenly she came back ready to attack the greatest parts of me. Allow me to leave her here in my writing. I’d like to stand up now, brush her off and keep on fighting. I don’t agree with her, but there is something greater I’d rather kill. I’d like to murder the thought of depression and self-hate, I’d still like to be someone; someone great. And although the ground wants to take me I know what I saw. ”I saw myself on a stage.” That part reigns true and I know what I’ll do. I’ll stand up for all those who hurt no matter what they’ve gone through. I’ll fight for you and I’ll fight with you. She is dead and I am alive. She is no longer harboring inside. She saw herself taking me, but she didn’t see God saving me.


    I wrote this during a very dark time. It took a lot to take me to this place and yet it took even less to get me out. Just a bit of hope is enough to cling to. It may be scary for you to know these feelings I had, but scarier is the fact that others don’t express it. Make yourself aware of the dangers of your words and actions towards others. Make yourself aware of the dangers of anxiety and depression. Show love to others! Don’t let the night come over the day without you expressing your love. And understand that if you ever feel that God does not hear you it’s because you are not speaking to Him. Sitting there and allowing your thoughts to go wild while you talk to yourself does not mean you are talking to Him. God is there so call on Him! May you be strengthened today by love and encouragement.

PSALM 30:1-5

I will exalt you, Lord,
    for you lifted me out of the depths
    and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
Lord my God, I called to you for help,
    and you healed me.
You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
    you spared me from going down to the pit.

Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
    praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
    but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
    but rejoicing comes in the morning.

If you feel like you are healed from something and it comes back do not beat your chest. Life is a fight and if you want it you have to go after it. I encourage you to read my testimony on the Main Tab above entitled: Lost & Found. I’ve battled with depression for a long time, but I have came out victorious many more times. If you or anyone you know has feelings of suicide please reach out to others, don’t be by yourself, and call a hotline. Your feelings ARE important so voice them.          (24 hours National Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255)

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